Penitence
by Silver Cream
Summary: Shizuo knows that he isn't a monster, but Izaya proves otherwise. He shows the blond that he's an unlovable monster who will always be alone. Izaya's reason for doing so? To make Shizuo his.
1. Pile it up

_Summary: Shizuo knows that he isn't a monster, but Izaya proves otherwise. He shows the blond that he's an unlovable monster who would always be alone. His reason for doing so? To make Shizuo his._

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><p><em>Original prompt:<em>

_Izaya/Shizuo - abusive relationship._

Izaya uses his manipulations to successfully convince Shizuo on every level that he's an unlovable monster who will always be alone. Luckily Izaya is there to take pity on him~

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><p><strong><span>Disclaimer:<span>** I do not own Durarara, just having fun with the ideas I get in my head.

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><p><strong><em>Pile it up<em>**

The anger that keeps growing within a split second before exploding next was something Shizuo hated. He could have a stoic face for one moment, and when someone says or does something which annoys, it turns into a sneer. Usually when that happens, the person would either be dead or very dead. That was all; nothing more, nothing less.

Shizuo used to try and wonder why would the anger build up in his chest before causing the throbbing anger in his temple to explode. However, he never really had the chance to understand as when he was in rage, all he could focus on was the person themselves. His mouth would then begin to spat out strings of unpleasant words. Whatever than happen next, was something he never really liked.

He always remember the scene at the end of his furry; injured people, damaged properties or the worst, both of those. As a child Shizuo hated violence; hated how the said person's face would twist into a hideous sneer, the tears and blood that would spill from the injured. The most ironic part, he was one of those bastard who would reveal that hideous face and cause injuries to others.

Something in him would stir in him when he hears others murmur, scream, shout or curse him for being a monster. Maybe it was condemn, anger, frustration, thrill, amusement or guilt. Shizuo couldn't really quite understand which it was, so he didn't bother and allowed the stir in him to die down one way or another. After all, it always did at the end of the day.

Well, that was what he thought. However in truth, it was always being buried unconsciously by the blonde himself; piled up deep within himself in the same way as one whom would keep their feelings bottled up. Worst of all, the blonde didn't know he was burring those.

But even if he did, he wouldn't bother. After all, it wasn't as if it could cause any harm to him. It can't even if it tried, would be what he'll think. However, if it did...well...it's not like it's going to, so let's continue.

Shizuo was a pacifist but his anger and strength made it seem like a lie. But it wasn't a lie, like stated above, he hated violence and loved peaceful things. He had wanted to live a peaceful life, which was not possible because of both his strength, short tempered and mixture of other elements. In short, it was a wish that would never come true; a far-fetch dream.

Middle school might have passed with bumps here and there, but it was one of the most peaceful. Now, high school was something else; even the thought itself enrage the blonde. It was when he met that fucking _flea_. Yes, that was when everything he had build up in middle school (the way of keeping people away from picking fights with him) was all crushed easily, as if it was a soaked up paper that was being flunk out of the window from the twentieth story.

That _flea_ used his name and cause trouble with people. And the one who was left to receive their 'wrath'?

Shizuo.

Despite his attempt to _kill_ that flea, _it_ escaped during graduation day. Another time when he was left with a period of short lived peace was during his career of many jobs; ones that he kept getting fired from because of his short temper. And when he received a job from his brother, he was glad. Kasuka even gave him the bartender cloths so as to encourage him in keeping still at one job.

Once more, like in high school, it was crashed when a certain _flea_ who had to pop up at a scene where a bunch of policemen held Shizuo against the fence. That_ flea_ had framed him with a crime that he never knew of and even dared to flash that smug smirk before bursting into an amused laughter and walked away. Shizuo might have been released when the police realized that he held no connection whatsoever with the crime, but the frustration within him swelled.

With no one to vend on, other than the boss whom was giving him a talk, he threw his own boss out the window. What came after that was no surprise; he was fired. Right then, Shizuo felt as though those words 'you're fired' itself had sealed his fate. He broke the promise between him and his little brother.

But that was in the past and now Shizuo had a stable job working as a bodyguard for his middle school senpai, Tanaka Tom. Shizuo had also began to accept the strength that he hated, began to accept every flaw he used to hate. Oh, he might have began to accept everything, but the one thing he never did nor will never accept, and that was a certain fucking flea. As long as that flea dared to take a step into Ikebukuro, he'll sense it and rush to the scene before trying to beat the crap out of that flea.

Kill that certain flea with the name of Orihara Izaya: The main source of trouble.

"IIIZZZAAAYYYAAAA YOOO.." Shizuo pulled down his sunglasses and glared into those red eyes while he yelled at the tops of his lungs. Tom –who was beside the blonde not so long ago– let out a sigh before he headed off to at least a few buildings away. If the brunette could, he would have tried to calm the enraged Shizuo. But it was impossible when it involved _that_ certain adult.

A smug smile tugged against Izaya's lips before he taunted, "Now now, Shizu-chan. I know you love me, but you don't need to glaze into my eyes _that passionately_!."

Shizuo felt the throbbing veins throb more than before as he placed his hands on a sign pole and yanked it out. Shizuo would have loved to puke at the words which spilled from the flea's mouth if he could. The reason why he didn't was because of the overwhelming thought of a simple:

_Kill._

And with that, he charged towards the flea who flashed another smirk before whirling around to begin this game of chase. Despite knowing how this game would usually end, Shizuo continued to run, throwing and yelling. Each time that flea turned into a corner, Shizuo would run after, only to find that flea waiting for him at a distance away before running off. Each alley they ran through, Shizuo would get a few cuts from the sudden attacks in the darkness.

It was annoying; drove the blonde insane. Upon reaching a dead end, the blonde could help but to growl dangerously low to that flea who stood there grinning, thanking the blonde for the exciting game of chase through that single grin. Shizuo frowned and his hands shook when he curled them into a fist.

Shizuo grabbed Izaya's cloth and lifted the raven-hair adult into the air before slamming his body against the fence. Shizuo swore that he saw Izaya's eye gleam with something that he couldn't quite place in words, but it wasn't pleasant; it gave Shizuo a cold chill. Both eyes locked together in a silent war.

"Didn't I tell you not to step into 'bukuro?" Shizuo hissed, eyes narrowed to the flea who chuckled softly.

"I'm so sorry Shizu-chan, but when someone tells me to do something or stay out of, I tend to do the opposite." There it was once again, that smug grin and mockery. Oh, how the blonde wished that for once he could wipe that smirk off Izaya's face.

The glare that was thrown to the flea had almost indirectly send the message of the thoughts in his mind as he watched the the grin deepen with the words 'Too bad.' being mouth. The blonde tightened his hold of Izaya's neck, cutting off the air supply for him. But the grin continued to linger, staying as firm as ever despite the shortage of air that reached his lungs.

_Stubborn flea._

Shizuo tightened his grip once more, pressing hard that it made his fingers seem to sink into the flea's neck. He believed that by doing so, he could at least wipe away that dreaded smirk, crush it with his own very hands. Crush that flea. Wipe him away from the face of this world. Kill-

At that moment, he didn't know why but the memories of the broken glasses and the milk lady -who laid unconscious on the ground- came flooding his mind; the painful past where he injured someone he cared for despite only wanting to help. And without wanting to, Shizuo let go of the flea's neck. While Izaya coughed and was busy getting his breath, Shizuo eyes wavered as he clenched his fist in something between guilt and self-condemn.

"What's wrong, Shizu-chan? Are you sure that it was a right choice to let me go?" Izaya wheezed, still wearing onto that smug smirk.

"You're lucky that I'm in a extremely good mood today." Shizuo lied as he turned and began to walk away. "I'll kill you the next time I find you stepping into 'bukuro. So get out now." When Shizuo was sure that he was far away from the flea, did he only realized the fine drops of sweat that beaded his forehead along with the pounding of the heart against his chest. Only then did the blonde realized what happened back then.

_Fear._

Yes, when he tightened his grip on the flea's neck more than the first, fear had already began to course its way through his blood and made the memories of injuring someone came to his mind. The fear of hurting someone, to kill someone. He was afraid that he would kill the flea, and if such a thing happen, doesn't that make him a killer? Isn't it just as though he could just go around killing anyone with this strength?

Isn't that just like telling him that he could and would hurt, kill but never protect? Just like a monster he was and still is?

"Stupid..." Shizuo cursed as he punched the alley's wall, not knowing the eyes of a certain flea who followed him, was now watching in utmost amusement. Izaya pulled out his phone and began to text something to someone. When he was done, he flipped close his phone and wore a grin of triumph for the plan that he had laid.

"I don't think I can listen to your threat, Shizu-chan. Not especially when your in such a_ good_ mood..." Izaya watched as the blonde rested his forehead against the wall, before adding "...Also, your quite _likeable_ when you try to lie..." the informant turned and walks away, fading into the shadows of the building.

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><p><strong>AN:**

Okay, firstly, I'll be more casual on this fanfic's A/N than the other ongoing fic. *cough to warm up throat* WOOHOOO! Finally made an angst story~~

For now, ratings will be T. But as the story progresses, according to the chapter updated, it'll be changed to M...which wouldn't be anywhere soon...


	2. Names

**_Names_**

"Are you okay?" The brunet asked when he finally found the blonde staring off into space of some alleyway. Shizuo fiddled with the cigarette before simple murmuring a soft 'yeah...'. Tom sighed and told the blonde that they better go after their other client before he tried to escape once again. Adding that client had ran off a couple of time in the past, therefore he would most likely try the same thing once more.

Shizuo nodded and before he followed Tom. The blonde dropped the cigarette onto the ground and crashed it with his shoe. The chatter from all around was as lively as ever while both the debt-collector and his bodyguard made their way through the streets. Despite the usual silence between the two, Tom couldn't help but to notice that there was something different about the blonde.

_Was it the air? _

No...it wasn't; Usually when the blonde went chasing after the informant, who somehow managed to escape again, Shizuo would return with bunch of execrate stringing its way out of his mouth because of the flea before he ended it with a grumble which stated that he would surely kill the flea if _it_ dare to take another step into Ikebukuro. But that wasn't happening now, only this chilling silence –excluding the chatter and the surrounding noises.

"He escaped from you again, eh?" Tom asked in a nonchalant tone, one that would not make the blonde irritated nor angry at the brunet for asking the said question.

"No, I let him go..." the reply was spoke in a low and –somewhat– regretful voice.

"Oh...you let him-...what?"

Through the many years of knowing Shizuo since middle school and getting him to work as a bodyguard for him, Tom never believed the chances of such words being said- no, such action being done was even possible for the blonde. When rage would overwhelm the blonde, Tom believed that all Shizuo could see was red or the destruction of everything around.

Sure, Tom would have been able to accept the words said if the one Shizuo had chase after was anyone but the informant. The thought of the blonde himself letting anyone who had anger or annoyed him go free without any major injuries was only 0.000001%; nothing more nor less. But this was the informant, that flea which the blonde had declared his dread and hatred of its existence as though it was a virus that needed to be eradicated from the face of the Earth.

The thought of Shizuo letting go of Izaya after catching him was impossible, ridicules beyond anything! It was like a rule, one that could never have been broken. Like how space was only a vacuum without air. And by breaking this rule, it is as good as saying that a human _could_ be send to space without wearing a spacesuit and yet still be alive!

To sum the whole thing up, even a miracle itself wouldn't have been able to allow that informant escape from the blonde's clutches.

Shizuo's brows furrowed at the way Tom stared with his mouth slightly agape. Does it have to be that surprising? Only when the blonde remembered how shock he was –as well being slightly afraid– then did he agree with the brunet's reaction. Still, it still gave him this bitter aftertaste in his mouth.

"Sorry..." Shizuo muttered, eyes being hidden from the brunet's view by both his shades and blond bangs. Apologizing was all he knew he could have done right then, as getting angry at Tom would have been wrong. It was just a normal reaction that everyone would have had if they heard he let that flea off.

"Nah...it's my fault for staring...We better hurry, don't want that guy to escape this time." The brunet replied back, holding back the urge of asking why did the blonde let the informant go. Whatever the reason was, it shouldn't be much of a deal, was what the brunet though. After all, the blonde must have his reasons, one which he mightn't have felt comfortable to share for now.

"Yeah..." Shizuo nodded and followed the brunet once again. It wasn't long before some guy from the crowd bumped hard into his back. Being already annoyed by the fact that he let the flea go because of his fear, he whirled around and grabbed the man's shirt.

"Watch where you're going!" he growled as he glared into the man's eye.

"S-shizuo?"

When he felt a hand on his shoulder, he turned and saw the brunet pointing to a little girl who stood beside Tom, eyes beginning to tear up. But before the blonde had the chance to ask who that girl was, she kicked his leg with all the power her little body could gather. Truth was, Shizuo didn't feel a thing but was annoyed with the kid; annoyed with the man who bumped into him, annoyed with the flea, annoyed with his fear, annoyed at how stupid he had acted back then.

Just as he was about to question the kid why did she kick his leg, she started yelling and sobbing at the same time –for what reason, he didn't know until he heard the words said.

"Don't bully my daddy! Mummy said people who picks fight when someone does nothing wrong is a monster!" It felt as though something stabbed him hard when he heard those words fall out of her mouth. All he could do was stare at the kid as she gripped tightly onto he light blue dress, tears falling from her eyes like marbles, damping the light blue to a darker shade.

He let go of the man's shirt as he clicked his tongue; first was the flea, now this? How much better could his day get?

"If you don't want to be a monster, mummy says that you shouldn't pick fights!"

"Chiyako!" The man –who must have been her father– shouted in a sharp tone and she jerked, looking at her father as though to say that she wasn't in the wrong. But Shizuo couldn't careless, he turned around and began to walk away, ignoring the buzzes he heard. He even ignored Tom's cry asking if he was alright. But there was one thing that kept on repeating in his mind like a broken recorder; the words a four or five years old girl said.

_Monster..._

If only that kid knew how hard he tried to avoid fights; how all he wanted was a peaceful and normal life style, how he loath violence and trouble.

But worst of all, he hated how true the word said was.

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><p><strong>AN:**

A child's word can really burn...that is all...


	3. Corrupted

**_Corrupted_**

Crimson red eyes scanned the streets before it locked onto the watch, studied the time with slight irritation. Izaya didn't like it when people he was meeting up with were late; normally, he would brush it aside for the sake of his love for humans -mostly if it the meeting itself didn't have a significant meaning.

But for this time's meeting, it was important: Each second that went past could ruin and prolong the possibility of what he had in mind; each minute that slipped pass were only contributing to his building irritation. Good thing was -unlike some blonde- he had good control over his emotions.

As he let out a sigh, Izaya picked up his cup and sipped on the now lukewarm coffee. It wasn't long till he spotted the one he was waiting for; The man was holding onto his daughter's hand as she rubbed her red eyes, looking as though she had just stop crying.

"Sorry for being late, Onihara-san." The man might have bowed and wore a smile, but the informant could see the wary which engulfed the his eyes.

"Don't need to be polite. It's only been five years since we last met, no?" He chirped happily; a tone that might have made others think that both the men were good friends who hadn't met up for quite a few years. But to the wary man, it held the tone of the worst disaster that was about to befell upon him. He swallowed hard onto his saliva and tighten the grip of his daughter's hand. Those red eyes and vulpine smile gave him the feeling of a prey under the intense and amused eyes of the predator.

"Daddy?" The man's daughter, Chiyako, tilted her head as she felt the pain of the grip run through her little body. She could see the many beads of sweat that began to form on her father's forehead while he pressed his lip into a thin line. Was something wrong? Suddenly, she felt a chill run down her spine and turned around sharply to looked into those crimson red eyes which studied her.

"Your daughter sure has grown from when I last saw her... hasn't she." Izaya smirked as squirted his eye, watched the girl back away from his sight. "Aww~ Don't be afraid of big brother. I've been keeping an eye on _you_ ever since you were in your mother's tummy." _Waiting for the right time when you could be of some use_, Izaya continued in his mind.

He watched as the child look at him with those curious eyes before she turned to look at her father –who the man stretched his arms out, treating Izaya's eyes on his daughter a threat.

"Anyway, are you sure it was a good choice to bring your daughter out to our little..._talk_?" The man grimace, looking away to avoid the eyes which stared at him. Izaya was thankful for the fact that he knew how much of a spineless and cowardice the man was after helping him in the past; that was why back-up plans were always useful in such times.

"But worry not, I knew that you being such a _spineless_ and _servile _person would do such a thing that I brought my secretary along to babysit your child." Izaya wore a his signature smirk when he saw the man's frown and his daughter asking what the words 'spineless' and 'servile' meant.

His secretary, Namie, stood from her seat –which was from the cake store directly opposite of the cafe– when she received his mail. As she approached her 'boss', she wore a displease frown before she hissed with utmost hatred she held for him and the 'job' of babysitting a brat.

"You're paying me double my usual pay with each hour I waste on this brat..."

"Don't be such a spoiled spot. That's one of the reason why you little brother fell in love with a head."

"As if you were any better."

With that alone she turned to the child and stretch her hands out coldly. Normally, no parents would have place their child in the hands of an unknown babysitter whom they didn't hire, but the man did. It wasn't because he didn't care of his child, he just didn't have much of a choice.

Before his child went off with Namie, he kneel down and patted her head, telling her to be a good girl.

"And just with that, I can tell that you really love her." Izaya chuckled when both Nami and the little girl were out of sight and the man settled down to the seat directly opposite to his. The informant watched as the man fiddled with his thumb and fingers, avoiding any eye contact with his savor –like they once said, to avoid trouble, avoid the eyes.

"She's just a child..." the man muttered off to a topic which didn't connect to the informant's after the moment of silence –excluding the noise of Izaya slurping his cup of coffee with an air of concentrated naughtiness.

"You were desperate back then, weren't you?"

"But that was in the past-"

"Oya, oya...are you saying that if you didn't come for my help back then, you and your wife would still be here? Having such a sweet, adorable girl as a child?" Izaya cut the man short in a low hinting voice as a smirk drew across his face.

The man stopped and looked at his clenched fist with no denial of what Izaya had said. It was a pathetic sight, would be what Izaya would have loved to say, but didn't. No matter how corrupted, how twisted or how low human may be, may fall, he would always love them. Truthfully, it was mainly because of these that made him love humans.

Yes, it was just like with this man before him, a man whose name was Atsuo. The name might have held onto the meaning of 'friendly' –which truly did fit this man in some ways– but Izaya would have preferred if the man had a name which held onto the meaning of 'foolish' or 'cowardly'; that way, it would have been much more fun to play around with him, to tell Atsuo that his name truly did fit him.

"I know that...it's thanks to you that both Umi and I can be happy. Can still live and have Chiyako...But she's..." It was amusing; too amusing to watch the man before him struggle, tried to escape from the deal made five years ago. This scene might have always been played out with many of his disposable pawn, but the informant could never seem to get bored nor lose interest.

"But she's only a child? Only five years old? Don't phrase it that way Atsuo, you make it sound as though I was someone who's trying to steal your child from you." –which was in someway, true– "As if I'm some kind of pedo."

"But isn't it true...you're going to take..." Once again, the man stopped in the middle of his sentence, bit onto his bottom lips, holding back the many emotions that swelled within him.

"What I'm doing might be wrong. But what you did back then _was_ wrong." Izaya smirked as he watched the man's shoulder tense at what he said. "Remember...what would have happen to your wife and you if I hadn't helped you. If they were kind enough, they would have _pleasured_ your wife before they kill her right infront of you.."

It was of no lie, only the cold hard truth. The kind of truth that would drown the man slowly.

"Look at the bright side, your wife is still alive. You can still have another child. Also, the deal would be finish and you're free. You can forget about the past."

Conflict within the man showed on his face; A battle between his belief of the 'right' and 'wrong' he knew of. A battle which the informant knows would eventually break the man down into pieces. Just like a broken piece of art glass that couldn't be fixed back to its original form.

"What do I need to do..." and with that Izaya had completed the set-up of his plan. Now all he needed was the final touches and it would have been completed. Just the thought of what lied ahead made his heart beat faster and pump adrenaline into his blood.

While he wore onto that all-too-excited grin, the informant pulled out a suitcase and showed it to the man.

"_This_ is what you need to do..." he continues in a low fiendish voice.


	4. Apprehensive

**_Apprehensive_**

_Sounds of glass which shatter could be heard, but how it broke, his didn't give a damn. The eyes which were fixed on him, watching in something between awe and fear. But he ignored them, ignored the burning pain he felt from his arm and stormed towards the shop._

_He heard the men yell something at him, saw the fright which consumed the milk lady's eye together with the small droplets of tears that welled in her eyes. If he had the chance to see himself right then, he would have saw the obvious throbbing vein which surfaced, the gritting of the molars and face which was congested with rage; a demon in a child's body or a monster in the form of a child would have been what others would have concluded about him._

_But he couldn't give a damn about others thought, as long as he knows he's still him –a child who wanted to protect those he cared for, a peace-lover and others– it would be okay to lose himself in this swelling rage. And he did that, lost control of his anger. What happen during that period was something he couldn't remember. Everything were covered with red._

_However, he could hear the sounds of many things shattering, the yells and a fear-filled screech. When he finally came back to his senses, everything was a mess._

_Broken glasses from the windows and milk bottles cover the ground, together with white which coated the ground like snow on the streets at the the start of winter. Bodies of the men from before scatter around, body tattered and severely injured –not that Shizuo cared about what happened to these bastard._

_The one thing which made his blood turn cold –along with something which seem to broke and die within him– was the sight of the unconscious milk lady._

_The bones from in her arm and limp were broken –he could conclude that as they were bended in a weird position. Small droplet of blood which oozed out from the small cut on her right cheek made the brunet clench his fist. His lips began to turned pale as he pressed them tightly into a thin line. The glass shelf which laid on top of her made him regret the actions done._

_None of this should have happen. He was only trying to save her, trying to beat the crap out of those men. So why did this have to happen?_

"_Monster..." the scene began to twist into a dull gray as he watch the scene before him dissolve away. The temperature began to drop and turn humid, made his wonder if it was the cool sensation of water he felt. Suddenly, there was a sight of a girl dressed in a blue dress, sobbing as tears size of marbles fell._

"_Mummy said that people who picks fight when someone does nothing wrong is a monster!" The child shouted and he felt a twinge of guilt. Before he could tell to the child that it wasn't his fault, that he only wanted to help, she disappeared and was replaced with the milk lady._

_Her wavy short hair seem to flow in the air as she whirled around to face him. Her face was covered with smudge blood as she looked at him with sorrowful eyes._

"_I...I didn't mean to-"_

"_I know. But in the end, despite trying to help me from those men, you ended up injuring me. Not only did you do that, you destroyed the shop; a place which I loved spending time in, watching the day go by." Her voice wasn't cold and harsh, but filled with reasoning which were the cold hard fact._

"_No matter what you say, no matter how much you deny and refuse to believe, you're a monster."_

Shizuo shot up from the bed, breathing quick and heavy. Sounds of his heart pounding against his chest were all he heard in the silent room. Sweat beaded his forehead as he tries to calm his anxious mind. The slight ray of the moon's light which seeped through his curtained window seemed unearthly, made him feel like he was a creature from another land.

The blonde leaned against the wall, stared at the ceiling for a moment before he brought his knees towards his chest. Arms wrapped around his knees, he screwed his eyes shut as he fought back the tears. Was he a monster? Would he not have such a dream if he had just done nothing, to act as if he didn't see anything in the past?

Maybe if he hadn't have gotten irritated with that kid's father, hadn't heard the words she cried out, he wouldn't have remembered the truth. That none of this would have happen.

_The truth that I'm a monster?_

No, he was no monster. He was just him; a man with a strength which he hated in the past because he couldn't control it. But now that he could, he had learn how to love it, to treasure it. It wasn't a curse, wasn't a mark that showed how much of a monster he was; but neither was it a blessing whatsoever. It only showed that he was a human who had a strength which excelled the rest.

That was when Shizuo figured out something which made the veins in his temple surface. "Flea...it was that _flea_ again..." He growled as his lips curled and teeth gritted hard against each other. It wasn't a baseless accusation, it was just another long string of that _flea's_ 'indirect' influence.

If only Izaya hadn't taken a step into Ikebukuro, hadn't willingly come into his sight, hadn't make the him remember–...wait, or was it his fault that such a thing happen?

_No, it's his fault. If it wasn't for him, none of this would have happen._

Before the blonde knew, he clenched his fist so tightly till his nails dag into palm, making blood dripped onto his white-colored pajamas. Shizuo could feel the slight stinging from the injury, but he was too busy letting out strings of execrate for the flea to bother washing up the wound.

This dragged on till the sun began to raise and time for his work.

"Shit..." Shizuo cursed when the alarm clock began to rang. Pushing himself away from the wall as he got off the bed and head towards the toilet, he growled lowly to himself, "I'll kill that flea the next time...I'll fucking kill him..."

Inside the bathroom, Shizuo undressed himself and entering the tub for a quick shower. Turning on the shower, he let out a hiss as the cold water hit his back. As the blonde adjusted the tap, he couldn't help but to find himself being drawn in by the sight of the blood from his palm being washed away. Somehow, a part of him inside felt relief; maybe it was because seeing the blood from his small injury, it made him feel _human_.

The blonde shook his head, shaking away the depressing thought before he turns off the tap and grabbed onto the towel. After drying himself, he took his usual butler cloths and wore it. A small smile floated on his lips just as he remembered the time Kasuka gave him the cloth. But the smile faded away as soon as he saw his own reflection in the mirror.

There was a voice inside him which sneers, whispering words that he blocked out.

Only when he clenched his fist once again, did he remember about the small injury on his palm. While Shizuo growled a curse under his breath, he reaches out for the first aids –that laid under the sink– before pulling out the bandage. As he wrapped the bandage over his palms, he wore a displeased frown.

He couldn't help but to feel the urge of punching the mirror grow despite how he wasn't even looking at it. It annoyed him, made him annoyed, kept him annoyed; all it did was annoyed him! But he didn't throw a punch, only closed the first aid box and left the bathroom without another glance.

The street he passed was as noisy as it usually was; filled with the chattering of teenagers who must have skipped school, office workers who were on their way to work, and so much more that the blond couldn't be bothered with.

But somehow, Shizuo began to relax in the flooded street; the sound of chatters and so on made it seem as though he was nothing of the importance. That he was just another man in this world and that other people had worst troubles than him. Sure, they mightn't have a strength like him, but maybe it was something much more worst.

He knows that by thinking it in a way like that, it was rather rude; after all, he was comforting himself by making use of people who were going through things that were far more worst than his. However, he couldn't help but to do so. Just the thought of it made hims feel so small and insignificant; made him feel just like everyone else who had to face problems of their own shape and form.

"Shizuo, over here." A familiar voice he heard, made Shizuo turn his head to the direction to see the brunette who was waving his hand in the air. Increasing his pace, he walked towards Tom and greeted the older man.

"Sorry, did I keep you waiting?" Shizuo ask and noticed Tom staring at him, almost as if to study him. It wasn't long before the brunette smiled and patted the blonde's shoulders.

"Nah. Couldn't sleep the night before?"

"Eh?" The blonde blinked behind his shades, silently wondering how did the brunette know.

"Your eyes." Tom says as he points at the bottom of his own eye, moving them in a circular motion. Shizuo stares at the brunette once again, mouth slightly agape as he tried to figure out what Tom meant. The brunette sighed before answering, "You've got black bags under both of your eyes."

Shizuo mutter an inaudible 'oh' before he shrugged it off as though it wasn't something important to note down. Tom seemed to understand what it meant and chose to say no more as he began to brief the blonde about their schedule for the day. With a nod, both the men began to head towards the destination of their first client.

"You know," Tom suddenly stopped after five minute as he turned around to face the blonde, "you shouldn't really take what that kid said yesterday to heart." Shizuo frowned for a moment before the brunette continued, "It isn't really true if you think about it."

At that moment, the first thought that crossed the blonde's mind was whether Tom was pitying him or rubbing more salt in his wound. Shizuo knows that the brunette meant no harm in such a way and might have brought it up because he thought the main reason why the blonde couldn't sleep was because of what a child said. But still, he couldn't help but to feel irritation build up.

"Either way, you can share with me about your problems, okay? It isn't good to keep them bottled up." From how Tim ended the conversation, the blonde couldn't help but to wonder if the brunette noticed his irritation towards him. But a part of him felt rather relief with what Tom last said.

"Thanks..." Shizuo mumbled, feeling slightly embarrassed that he got angry with the brunette.

"No problem." Tom smiled before he turned around and began to head towards their next destination. "After we're done, dinner's my treat. Russian sushi, is that alright?" Tom tiled his head by alittle as he asked the blonde.

"Okay." Shizuo nods as he watch a smile of relief tug against the brunette's lip.


	5. Conflict

**WARNING: **NON-CANON POV (but is needed as it is related to the story's plot)

* * *

><p><strong><em>Conflict<em>**

"Come on sweetie, daddy's going to bring mummy and you out. So let's get into the car, okay?" Atsuo tried to coax his daughter from under the bed. He watched those grey eyes fix themselves onto him before they closed as he heard a huff. At first, he had tried to stretch his arms out to bring his daughter out, but failed as he felt a sharp pain sink into his flesh. After that, all he tried to do was comfort his child.

Soft giggles from behind him could be heard before he shifted from the ground to face his wife, eyes begging for help. With another laugh, she moved towards him and helped Atsuo up. Kneeling down, she began coaxing and comforting their daughter.

"What happened, Chii-chan? Did daddy do something again?" Umi asked before throwing her husband a teasing look. Atsuo smiled nervously before he murmured softly to his wife that he would be down in the car waiting for them. As soon as he was out of the room, he frowned in distress as his eyes spotted the time.

He was going to be late.

The man pressed his lips tightly against each other as he opened the car's door, feeling the guilt that began to swell in his chest. A part of his mind begged for him to go against that informant; to run away no matter how hopeless it might have been. But the other part growled that he needed to follow with the plan the informant had shared; that no matter how low he might fall, it was for their freedom.

"It's not my fault...I know I love Chiyako just as much as Umi...but..." His voice creaked as he whispers to himself, hands running through his short brown hair. It wasn't long before he felt tears welling in his eyes. He didn't want to do this; shouldn't have agreed no matter whatever that would happen to him and his family.

Running isn't that bad, right? After all, it was much more better than–

"_Remember this one thing, Atsuo. You can run as much as you would like to, but you can't escape. Also, don't tell me that you were 'that' kind of man – one who isn't grateful to your savior."_

"Shut up, please...I'm grateful, truly grateful from the bottom of my heart. But isn't this too much as a repayment?" The man scowls at the words that informant said a few days back. However, as soon as that was done, only the sounds of the radio playing could be heard in the car. Atsuo knows how this would end and that there wasn't any other answer: there was no such thing as hope.

He learned this a long ago, but yet he didn't want to give up on hope, didn't want to lose hope.

"But there's no such thing as hope. It's okay...as long as Umi's still here, I'll be alright..." He tries to assure himself.

"Are you okay? You're face looks rather pale..." Atsuo jumps when he heard a voice calling out to him just as the car's door was open. Grey eyes met his green ones in slight worry.

"Huh? No, of course not. I guess I was so excited that I've managed to get a day off to spend together with the family." Atsuo lies through his teeth, smiling as he watched the doubt in his wife's eyes slowly fade away into a beam.

"Aww...you're just like a child~" Umi laughs as he felt his cheeks heating up. It wasn't long before he saw another set of grey eyes which were fixed onto him.

"Chiyako, are you still angry at daddy?" He turns around, look at his daughter who was dressed in a simple sun-dress, color of the bright yellow sun as her hair were tied into two pigtails. Chiyako's eye narrowed before she murmured a soft 'no' and he smiled.

"Okay, let's go to Ikebukuro for a quick moment so daddy and mummy can go pick something up before we head for the amusement park, okay?" Atsuo forced himself to speak in a cheery tone despite how his voice creaked when he spoke of the amusement park.

"Hn..." He watched as his daughter nodded her head and wife smile happily at him. The thoughts of everything shattering apart hurt so much that during the journey, he felt tempted to turn the car around and avoid driving towards Ikebukuro; the place where the ticking bomb was already set.

But he couldn't – wasn't brave enough to do so. At that moment, he couldn't help but to let out a low chuckle at the scene which happened a few days ago.

"_But worry not, I knew that you being such a 'spineless' and 'servile' person would do such a thing..."_

"_Daddy, what does 'spineless' and 'servile' mean?"_

"Is there something wrong?" Umi asked, eyes fixed onto her husband that had been in a daze for quite a moment – not being how he would usually be. Atsuo shook his head as he smiles and said that he couldn't wait to reach the amusement park and ride all the rides together with his daughter. Umi didn't know why, but she felt a chill run down her spine when she saw the stiff smile on Atsuo's lips.

"Okay, fine. You caught me..." almost as if he noticed his wife's suspicion, he began to speak, "I was alittle too excited that I couldn't quite sleep the night before. I guess I'm really just like a kid, right Chiyako?"

"Yeah! I also couldn't sleep at night when our school teacher brought us out to the zoo the next day!" Chiyako chirped back happily, forgetting all about her unwillingness to leave the house not so long ago.

Once again, Atsuo continues to smile till he watch his wife's doubt fade away – or bury itself.

Eyes fixed onto the road, the man had finally made up his mind. He couldn't care less if the gods in the clouds were against his conclusion or if he would be send to hell for his decision; as long as Umi was there for him, he would be alright.

"Chiyako, do you love mummy?" His suddenly asked,making both his wife and daughter stop singing the song which was playing on the radio.

"I love both mummy and daddy! More than anyone in this world!" The beam she wore seemed as if it was heaven sent, that Chiyako herself was an angle of both his and Umi's life. Atsuo felt his heart twinge as he replies back, "Daddy love Chiyako too. Loves you just as much as I love mummy."

He felt his wife's lips against his cheek before everyone in the care began to sing along with another song which played on the radio, having a such a _fun_ time that it wasn't long before he reached the place the informant told him of.

"Okay, be a good girl and watch after the car as daddy and mummy goes and get something, okay?" Atsuo hugs Chiyako before planting a kiss on her forehead, watch as she giggles when Umi does the same but tickling her sides.

"Oh! Is there anything you want mummy to get for you?" Umi suddenly asked just as she was about to get out of the car.

"Choco pudding!" Chiyako shouts back with a grin all over her face, eyes sparkling as she silently made up a plan to eat the pudding together with her family while they were on their way home from the amusement park.

"Okay, choco pudding it is." Atsuo interrupts as he thumbs up to his daughter before dragging his wife away from the car. Just as he lifts his hands to check the time, he spots that they were on time before he sighs softly to himself. He had made his decision and would stick with it; after all, it would have been rude to not keep his word, wouldn't it?

While he was walking, he could hear a voice roaring out a familiar name just as someone dressed in a fur coat came running towards his direction, a smirk plastered onto his face as their eyes met. It was the informant, Orihara Izaya. Words of 'you're free now' could be seen being mouthed from Izaya's lips as the informant ran pass him.

Atsuo's family life flashed before his eyes until he closed them and continued to push his wife's back, telling her to ignore the yelling voice and that it was just something normal. It wasn't until he felt a serge of air which rushed past him with such speed that he wished he hadn't have came to Ikebukuro. A loud crashing of two large objects could be heard before it was followed with an explosion.

"_An when you hear an explosion, be sure to turn around. Don't worry about your wife as she'll turn around as well with or without you making her; since it's a normal human reaction for the person themselves to turn around when they hear a loud sound that they don't hear in their everyday life."_

Whirling around, he watches the flames emerge from a distance just before he felt himself being push aside by his wife. Atsuo bit his lips as he frowned, watched his wife slowly fade away into the crowd and towards the explosion side.

"_After that, you're wife will rush forward. I want you to stay at where you are for a moment before chasing after her."_

Atsuo pushes his way from the crowd as he tried to follow after his wife. However, instead of running after her, he was moving at a rather slow speed – almost as if he was afraid to see what the vulpine voice assured him of.

"_She'll be on her knees, crying and brawling. After that...I'm sure you don't need me to give you the steps of how you should comfort her, right? Either way, when all's done, you're free. Isn't that a simple price to pay?"_

When he had finally pushed himself out of the crowd, he saw Umi standing there, petrified by their car which was engulfed in flames. He watched her tremble as she turned around to face him, tears already beginning to roll down her cheeks. Her mouth was moving up and down, almost as if she was trying say something but couldn't.

All Atsuo could do was to stare at his already in flames car in fake shock as his wife fell onto her knees and burst into tears. He knows that the price to freedom would have been heavy...but for the informant to call this a simple price to pay...wasn't it too much?

"I'm...sorry, Chiyako...forgive daddy..." Atsuo murmurs, staring at backseat of the car before his eyes wondered onto the vending machine.

He knows that he had made up his mind and that it was a repayment fee, but now all he couldn't help but to feel the guilt build up in his chest. Their daughter, their only child, Chiyako was now dead.


	6. Scheme

**_Scheme_**

Time was ticking away, like the sands in a hour-glass – falling grain by grain to the bottom. All the informant could hear as he ran down another alleyway was the pounding of his excited heart and roaring of his name which bounced off those walls.

Izaya licked his dry lips before he ducks, avoiding the sign that went flying past him. Taking another quick look at his watch, he felt a smirk tugging at the side of his lips: everything were falling according to his plan. The informant hooked his arm to the signboard, made a quick spin, mainly to poke at the blonde's nerve, before jumping off.

He wasn't the slightest worried about whether his pawn would follow his instructions; wasn't worried whether that man would back out and flea from the country with his family. Atsuo wasn't a brave man; he was a coward. Also, a pawn on the chessboard would always move the way the player moved them. They have no chance nor will of their own to go against the choice of the player.

As much as the informant ignoring the rules of the chessboard for his own game, the same rule was still applied. That was all anyone needs to know.

Moving up the stairs with such speed, he reached the top of the building in no time. The informant took another deep breath and began to run again once the blonde reached the top of the stairs, cursing his name over and over again.

"Stop running around, you goddamn flea!" the blonde behind him roared, but Izaya paid no heed – he needed to reach their next destination so that he could catch a glimpse of _that_ car. He already had an ideal conversation to prolong the time just in case the car couldn't reach the given spot – because of traffic problems.

True to his thoughts, both the man had ended up earlier at their 'almost' final stage of his plan and the car was no where in sight. Instead of getting annoyed, the informant smiled. To him, it was another opportunity to speak with the blonde before Shizuo 'broke'.

Stopping in his tracts at the edge of the roof, Izaya turned around and looked at the blonde who had began to slow down as well – but still keeping a distance away from him.

"Shizu-chan, this game of chase has started to get rather boring." Izaya began, stuffing both his hands into his furred jacket's pocket, one hand gripping onto his knife while the other brushing by an object. "I know! Let's create another new game, shan't we?" The informant smiles at the blonde, watched as Shizuo continued to glare into his red eyes.

"A new game, you say?" Shizuo growled, before continuing, "How bout a new game which needs me to kill you right here, right now?" It was really typical for the blonde to say such a thing, but Izaya couldn't help but to be amused.

"Now Shizu-chan, where's the fun in that?" Izaya asks, as he looked at the blonde, watched as the vein in his temple continued to throb, swearing to pop if another word of provocation was said. And it was just the way Izaya wanted it to be; once those vein pop at the right time, all the cards would be place in the right order. There was nothing Izaya needed to worry of anymore – or so he thought.

"Oh, it's lots of fun. Just the though of snapping that neck of yours, sends the chills down my spine." The informant's eyes widen for a moment when he heard those words, before Izaya plastered his doubt away with a smirk.

"Oh my, so it means Shizu-chan does care." Izaya lies as he continued to speak.

"Huh?"

Despite knowing that the blonde had used the wrong word to express his joy of killing the informant, Izaya couldn't help but to have mistaken what was said. Somehow, Izaya felt as if he really wished what the blonde had just said were true and not the misused of wrong words.

"Shizu-chan...you really need to go back to middle school and relearn your language again." Izaya let out a sigh as he shook his head.

"And you really need to get that grave of yours prepared." The blonde shot back, growling as he glared at Izaya. The informant could tell that Shizuo didn't take what he said well. But it was just the way he wanted it to be. To provoke the blonde; to annoy Shizuo while he still had the chance; to watch as the man before him eventually turn into a pitiful monster.

A long trail of thoughts ran through his mind before Izaya shoved it aside. No use thinking about. Everything he had planned out and was carrying out were something to gain what he always wanted.

"I wonder if everything will still be the same..." Izaya murmured loud enough for the blonde to hear. "But it won't, will it, Shizu-chan. Everything has a trigger." The informant continued, deep down knowing that the blonde couldn't understand anything he was saying.

"Well, no use worrying – is there?" Izaya plastered a smile on his face, "After all, Shizu-chan was already a pitiful monster from the beginning." He shifted his legs as he took a quick glimpse of the street below him.

_Ah...there it is_

Izaya thought, before he looked back at the blonde. With a wide grin, Izaya took a step back and fell; a scene which to the blonde made it seem as if Izaya was jumping off the building – committing suicide. However, the fall for Izaya was short, because as soon as he fell, his legs touched the ground in no time flat.

There was another platform just right below the edge which Izaya stood at.

But there was something that took him back alittle when he saw the blonde rushing forward, hands stretching out; almost as if he was trying to catch him. Fear, was what Izaya saw on the blonde's face. But it was covered up by an enraged face not so long after.

"You fucking louse!" Shizuo yelled before Izaya waved his hands and ran down the stairs.

"You're fault for thinking whatever you did~" The informant sang back as he reached the bottom of the building. It was then did Izaya run as fast as he legs could, eyes taking a quick glance as the vending machine he ran pass before the spotted Atsuo among the crowd.

"You're free now." Izaya smirked as he mouth those words, heading towards the direction which the car was parked at the planned spot. Now all he needed to do was to reach there first before the blonde threw the vending machine. If not, everything he did would go down the drain.

Luckily, Izaya managed to do so as he whirled around and waved to the blonde who was now lifting the vending machine.

"Checkmate." the informant whispers, turning to look into the window of the car. His eyes widen when he found those grey eyes fixed to his crimson red ones, before an innocent smile filled the girl's face. He knew what Chiyako was saying, so he smiled back before he turned and ran away.

"_Izaya-nii-chan!"_

When he was sure he heard the sounds of two large object colliding with each other, Izaya pressed the button of the object inside his pocket. A wave of heat hit his back as he felt a force pushing him forward. Somehow, the thought of everything happening withing those few minute, seconds, whatever it was, felt too surreal.

However, Izaya knows that everything that had just happened wasn't just a dream when he felt that painful throb in his head. Pushing himself off the ground, he heard a female's cry filling the street as a smile found its way to his lips.

Turning around, Izaya scanned the street for that certain blonde. The very moment Izaya found the blonde, the smile he wore faded away as the painful throb at the back of his head was dulled. Rather, it was replaced with an unknown sensation which made his chest tighten when he saw that expression on Shizuo's face.

"Game over...It's my win..." Somehow, Izaya's found his voice rather strain when he murmured those words to himself. But he choice to ignore. Pushing his way through the crowd and towards the blonde, Izaya wore a frown. Now all he needed to do was to get the blonde away from this scene; after that, everything was pretty much covered up.

The police won't be on Shizuo's trail because of some strings he pulled, but he needed to get the blonde away from the people which were gathering. If whatever Izaya did with the police were to fail, there was always his other back up plan.

But that wasn't something he needed to think of currently. Izaya stretched his hands out and grabbed hold of the blonde's arm, avoiding any eye contact.

"Let's go." Was all he needed to say before he ran and dragged the blonde along with him. Maybe it was because of the shock that made the blonde follow him willingly; whatever it might be, Izaya couldn't careless.


	7. Tenacious

**_Tenacious_**

A painful echo of a lady's cry; the chatters which filled the air; sounds of metal crashing into each other; the final blast of orange and gray which filled the scene, only to turn blur without his acknowledgment. Those were the things Shizuo last remembered before the next thing he knew was seeing the informant grabbing his hands.

"Let's go." Shizuo heard the informant murmur as he whirled around and began to run. The blonde didn't know why, but he couldn't find his voice to speak back nor the strength to slap those hands away. He was rather shock to find himself running along with the informant. However, he found the hand which gripped his wrist warm and comforting.

While the two continued to run, Shizuo played those things over and over again in his mind. Each time he did so, before he got to understand anything, his mind would go blank; almost as if his conscious wouldn't allow him to understand what happened; as if it was some kind of taboo.

It wasn't long before he gave up; if he wasn't allowed to remember, what could he do?

Nothing, that was the answer.

Shizuo looked at the informant's back before he scanned the passing scenes. Where were they now? Where were they heading to next? He couldn't help but to be curious. When he opens his mouth to ask, he couldn't quite tell why, but he remembered the scene of the little girl who was crying. Was her name Shinako or Chiyoki?

As soon as he felt the informant's grip of his wrist tightening, the thoughts in his mind were washed away and replaced with a question. Who were they running from? Shizuo remained silent as both the man ran down the alley, slowly being covered by the overlapping shadows of the buildings – just as if they were being swallowed by the darkness.

"Tsk...dead end? Well, this ought to be far enough." Shizuo heard the informant mumble to himself before he felt Izaya let go of his wrist. Rather, as soon as Izaya let go of them, the blonde felt himself being pushed back until his back hit the cold concrete behind. While there weren't any pain felt, Shizuo let a low growl out.

"What the fuck are you doing?" Shizuo glared into those crimson red eyes before he took a quick look at Izaya's two arms which were pressed against the wall. It was as if the informant was trying to keep the blonde in place, to make sure that he wouldn't escape.

"Did you have enough time to finally understand what happened?" Shizuo was shock at the moment he saw Izaya's serious face – one rid of those vulpine smirk, annoying grin, loathsome smile. He was sure he had never seen the informant like this; never believed that the informant could even have a face like this.

"Understand? What do you mean by that?" Shizuo questioned.

"All of that...don't you remember?" Shizuo shook his head, holding back the urge to land a punch into the informant's face because of his curiosity. The blonde watched as Izaya let out a sigh, "I'll give you a few hints. The vending machine; that car; the cry which I'm sure you couldn't have missed. Oh, and not forgetting the flames and smoke."

It was strange; no matter how many times he recalled all of those while they were running, before he had the chance to piece them together, his mind would shut them out. But when Izaya said them out loud, his mind didn't shut them out. Instead, his mind finally came to realize the situation which took place back then. To understand why they both had ran.

"I..." Shizuo spoke softly, trying to keep his voice steady and firm; if he was to speak anymore louder, he was sure the informant would notice the trembling in his voice – and that was something he didn't want. "There...wasn't anyone in there...right?"

_There was. Why else would there be that cry? That...heart...wrenching..._

The blonde hide his eyes behind his blonde bangs, glaring at the ground. Did he just killed someone? He did, didn't he?

"I..." the blonde whispers this time, clenching his fist. He knew it, he was a _monster_. First he kept on injuring people, and now he had just killed someone. He had finally became a monster he never wanted to be.

"It was a...brat." The informant hissed.

"Ahaha...and she smiled at me..." Izaya lets out a flat laugh before he slumped his head into Shizuo's chest. Normally, Shizuo wouldn't have allowed the informant to be this close to him. But it was the words that Izaya said next that made Shizuo froze.

"It's my fault that she's dead." It was soft and barely audible, but enough to annoy Shizuo.

"You're fault? Don't try and take the fault; it's me who killed her!" The blonde hated it; hated how the informant was trying to take the blame on himself despite the obvious fact which laid before them. Was Izaya trying to pity him by taking up such a blame? If that was the case, he didn't want any; a monster should continue being hated, not pitied.

"I don't need your fucking pity. If you think it's because you provoked me, made me mad, it's not your fault! It was mine." Shizuo yelled louder as he shoved the informant away, watched how Izaya stumbled back like a ragged doll.

"You don't..." Izaya murmured before Shizuo cut him off.

"I don't understand? Is that what you're trying to say? Well, sorry to say that I do!" Shizuo didn't know why he was trying to do. Was he trying to comfort the informant? To assure the very existence he hated that it never had been his fault? Maybe, maybe not.

"I fucking threw that goddamn thing! I fucking killed someone! So don't..." Those words Shizuo had just spoke were like poison he feed himself. "Don't get yourself involve with me anymore! Don't take some blame which is mine!" His thoughts, actions and words seemed foreign and unconnected. How was him killing someone connected with him asking the informant not to get involve with him?

_It makes no sense; it made no sense; nothing's connected._

Shizuo's mind went blank at that moment as he felt everything lose meaning. It felt as if there were much more thoughts running through his mind, more than the mind could progress. He felt as if he was turning into a mess of colored strings. His mind overloaded and shutdown down. But despite this, there was a clear thought inside.

_What am I going to do now?_

"Ha...don't get involve with you anymore? Don't take your blame? What kind of joke is that suppose to be?" Izaya growled, before he looked into Shizuo's eyes with such firmness and confidence. "When did I ever get myself involved? When did I ever take blames which isn't mine?" There it was, a smirk which spoke everything Shizuo needed and didn't need to know. For once, it amazed the blonde how he didn't get annoyed.

The closer the informant approached him, he finally understood why he didn't get annoyed. Through Izaya's eye, he could see the reflection of his own eyes; one which seemed to scream resignation.

"What are you going to do now, after telling me that it isn't my fault? Turn yourself in? Lock yourself in your home? Suicide?" Izaya wore his smug smirk as he spoke such words. Though to Shizuo, it felt as if the informant was pushing himself. But it might have been his imagination. Either way, he was envious of how fast the informant could recover.

_Of course he could. He didn't kill anyone._

"Let me inform you, turning yourself in won't work." Shizuo wanted to ask what did the informant meant by saying that, but he felt too tired to bother anymore. There were too many things which happened already, and he didn't want anymore. All Shizuo wanted as sometime to let the words sink in, for him to understand it more clearly and sort his thoughts aside. He just wants to go to sleep...

"What I'm going to do, is something I decide for myself. I don't need some flea to get involve." Shizuo pushed the informant aside, but more gently this time; the blonde was afraid that he might hurt Izaya if he pushed anymore harder. It was only when the informant grabbed his wrist, Shizuo felt something flooding within him.

"What?" He turned around and growls. Shizuo wasn't stupid enough to have not caught those doubts which swirled in Izaya's crimson eyes.

"Shizu-chan's...really a pitiful monster, ne?" Instead of getting insulted, Shizuo couldn't help but to feel nonchalant as Izaya plastered away those doubts with a forced grin. Why does it seemed so forced? Why did it seemed as if the informant was afraid of something? He couldn't help but to wonder.

"Really pitiful." Shizuo felt something stab him hard when the informant repeated it for the second time, but with a more menacing tone this time; one which flowed out without any trouble; didn't give the blonde the feeling of it being forced. It was as if the informant took a 180 degree turn within those few second.

"_Really pitiful..."_

A female's voice echoed at the back of his mind, in the exact same tone and rhythm as Izaya's. Shizuo's blood turned cold as he slapped those hands away.

"Yeah, I'm pitiful." The blonde hissed as he watched Izaya's eyes widen. "But not pitiful enough to get help from someone like you." His voice was low and serious, held no hatred nor anger; as if the words he had just spoke was the fact and nothing more.

With that, the blonde turned around and left the alley. It was almost as if he wasn't bothered by the fact of killing someone. But Izaya knows more than anyone that Shizuo was really bothered with it; the blonde didn't show anything mainly because the recoil hasn't come into action yet. However, once it does, Shizuo would seek help from him; whether he wanted to or not.

Izaya had no base to be that sure of what he was; it was just this way.

"Keep struggling; keep fighting. If you do that, you'll eventually break and become mine." Izaya whispers after the blonde was long gone from the scene. "Even if you don't, you'll be mine."


	8. Pretense

**_Pretense_**

Life was something which money couldn't afford; it was frail yet strong; vivid yet dull; unique yet simple. It was the opposite of everything, contradicting itself through a confusing way. Maybe the saying that life was priceless did have a meaning. Life itself was a perplex subject, something that Izaya couldn't quite understand despite how he wrecked his mind just to catch a glimpse of it.

So he came to an conclusion, if he couldn't understand what life is, he would give life a definition of his own. Something which people might call ridiculous, crazy–... hell, they might even call him a mad man; but he didn't care. He was his own man, so it was okay for him to have his own definition of words, people and this world.

Whether it was hate, love, break, kill, destroy, there was no need for him to regret; he was the god of his own world. And because of this, he choice to believe that since he loved humans so much, their life itself was at his disposal. That they could be used for him to obtain his goals; whether it was to go to hell or heaven, or even to make a certain blonde shatter into pieces.

That was why he didn't need to feel the guilt for a brat's life–...or so he told himself before everything happened. But he did feel the guilt, regret and pain. Did he pass the boundary of a man who lost sight of his true goal or a man who passed the boundary of rules for his selfishness?

But just like the nickname the blonde gave him, flea, he recovered sooner than he expected. The main reason he was able to? Even if it was his fault for setting the gears into position, he wasn't the one who gave the gears the final push – wasn't the one who made the gears move into.

The blame wasn't fully on him.

Humming a cheery tune, Izaya skipped his way into the hospital, towards the emergency room. It was only when he arrived outside the room itself, did he meet the sight of two humans who could no longer be call alive.

_No, only one. The other one is still alive._

Plastering on a serious face, the informant slowed his pace – making it seem as if he was truly sorry for the misfortune that happened.

"Atsuo..." his voice was low when he called out to the brunette pawn of his. The man jerked up suddenly, not expecting for the appearance of the manipulatively man. But it was pushed aside as Atsuo glared at him, as if sending a message for Izaya to back off – to put an end to the connections between them.

"Orihara...san..." The brunette spoke in low tone of disgust and hatred. Izaya only smiled. _'Not yet'_, a voice whispers at the back of his head, telling him that it wasn't time to pull out the second card.

_Atsuo, do you want to know who's the one who gave the gear a light push? It was none other than yourself. You're the one who's in the blame._

"I heard about what happened. Is she okay?" Izaya pushed the temptation of saying such words away by a pretense that he was truly hurt to have heard of such news. That was when Izaya felt a pair of grey eyes fixed onto him, as if to study who this strange man was.

"Who is he?" was all the lady spoke in a soft voice. Through that voice itself, Izaya could tell that she was tired – didn't seem to have the will of living anymore.

"A close friend of your husband. Orihara Izaya, an informant." Izaya spoke politely as he gave a short bow. He knew that the man wanted to object to this, but couldn't because his wife was here. "The man who helped your husband save you from what happened five years ago." Izaya added, as a backup in case Atsuo found the strength to chase him away. Better rubbing the salt deeper into the wound than to rather be pushed away before he had the chance to do what he wanted, no?

As soon as Izaya said that, the air grew tense. Atsuo pushed himself off the chair, hands clenched and mouth opened, ready to yell words of 'get the hell away!'. But his wife was a step ahead of Atsuo.

"I'm okay. So please don't yell, you'll disturb the doctors who are still treating Chiyako..." And just with that, Atsuo turned quiet and sat back down. Izaya couldn't help but to feel envy grow within his chest. Was this love he saw? If it was, it wasn't fair...just wasn't at all.

"I don't think I ever thank you from what happened before, thank you for saving my life." The informant could tell that the lady was pushing herself to the limit, that the memory itself was painful. But that wasn't the point of his visit, not to pity nor recall what happened five years ago – it was their problem and he provided the solution, that was all he needed to care about.

"So, how's Chiyako?" Izaya asked. He found it strange that there was an operation going on. Shouldn't she be dead because of the impact and explosion?

"We don't know...but she's still alive...she has to..." Umi spoke, forcing herself to smile as she continued, "She does, after all, take on my stubbornness." She lets out a strained laughter, as if trying to humor him.

"Could you just tell us why you're even here, Orihara-san? I'm sure you have other things that needs your attention, other than to visit the hospital for your _close _friend." It was pure hatred that no one could miss through that hissing voice.

Was Atsuo's trigger Chiyako? Or was it the need to keep him away from his wife? Maybe it was both.

"I guess despite my appearance to provide a valuable information on a silver spoon, without any charges, aren't needed. I'll take my leave then." Izaya lets out a well acted, disappointed sigh. But just as he turned around and was about to walk away, he knew that Umi would call out to him.

"What information?"

"Umi!" Atsuo interrupted her as she raised her voice to call after the informant.

Izaya paused for a moment, playing out the scene he had in mind. Turning only his head, he spoke to the lady, "I would like to tell you, but you're husband seems rather agitated. I'm afraid that if I speak of anymore things, he'll punch me. And may I just say this, I hate pain." It was a lie when Izaya said he didn't like pain; he could bear with pain, after all, whenever he fought with the blonde, injuries were something he couldn't avoid.

So by speaking of such lies, he could make Umi chase Atsuo away. And once that happens, he could finally move into step three of his plan.

Umi looked at her husband, before mumbling something to him. Atsuo seemed to disagree with it, but when he saw his wife giving him that pleading look, he gave in. As he turned around to leave, passing the informant, he hissed lowly, "I swear to God, if you dare do anything to her–"

"I won't." Izaya whispers back, cutting the man short.

Atsuo stared at the informant for a while more longer, as if to find for any signs that proves his statement. With a nod, he walked away. But Izaya was no fool, he knew that Atsuo would still be around the corner, ready to burst in to his wife need if anything happened. A smirk tugged at the side of Izaya's lips, before he plastered on a serious look and sat beside the almost-lamenting woman.

"Do you want to know who's the one?" Izaya spoke, leading Umi to his trapped.

"I do not understand what you mean." Umi replied, looking slightly puzzled by what the informant had asked.

"The incident wasn't natural, if you understand what I meant. That vending machine?" Izaya prompted, hinting the obvious. It was only then, when the woman's eye widen, looking shocked and yet in disbelieve did he nod his head. "This was all planned. _They_ planned for such an incident to occur." Fear gripped the woman as soon as Izaya spoke of such words, almost as if he was reassuring her thoughts.

"B-but they...why would..." Umi's lips trembled as she spoke, barely loud enough for the informant to catch. Izaya inwardly smiled as he shook his head, almost as if to say 'I don't know'.

"I'm still searching up on it. However, like I said earlier on, I have one information for you. It's about the one who caused your daughter to be in such condition." Izaya whispered the last sentence into Umi's ear, almost as if trying to push her over the edge, to make her seek for the name. However, Umi only closed her eyes.

"And then?" Was all she said that left the informant shocked. "After giving me his or her name, what do you expect me to do?" She slumped back against the chair, sounding even more tired than before. "If it's revenge you think I'll carry out, I won't. I don't have the strength to attempt such acts. Revenge leads to nothing."

Izaya chuckled softly, almost as if he was amused by her reaction. He felt a sense of fulfillment pumping through his veins at just how well this planned out conversation was flowing.

"Who said anything about revenge? I am only but an informant; my job is to provide information and nothing more." He paused for a moment, as if to let it sink into Umi's mind. "How you plan to use this information isn't up to me." Umi watched him, as if wondering what he was attempting to hint to her.

But with that, he stood up before gently grabbing her hand to place a piece of folded paper into her palm.

"Remember, information always satisfies one's curiosity." With that, he turned around and left Umi alone. There was a sharp gasp from her, but Izaya chose to ignore it as he made his way out of the hospital, ignoring the look he received from Atsuo.

Pulling out his phone, he dialed a number and waiting for the other end to pick it up.

"Hello?"

"It's me. I need you to keep an eye on her and report in to me if she seems to get to close to him. Understood?" He smiles as he walked down the crowded street, almost as if he couldn't wait for the second stage of thrill to come into action before he could obtain what he seeked.

"Understood." the male's voice at the other end replied before Izaya hanged the phone.

"Now show me how you'll use this information, Umi. Show me how you'll end this play that's only beginning." Izaya laughed, ignoring the looks he received from others.

That was right, he was only but a manipulative informant; he'll do anything just for what he wants, _needs_.

* * *

><p><strong>AN:**

This chapter killed me. Literally.


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